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Begin at the Beginning

In the end, it really wasn't our wedding.

Months and months of planning, rushing, struggling, believing and trusting God, our wedding day came and went rather hastily.

We had been planning for a long time, mind you. Our bridal studio package was booked over a year in advance. The venue was fixed over 8 months ago. I had everything more or less settled until everything unraveled a week before the day itself.

It is a weird feeling to have had the whole event spread out on our mental drawing boards for such a long time before it happened, and after it happened, we are still working on the follow-up - photos, thank-you cards, miscellany. To be sure, twenty-four hours never left us with a greater impact. And that's not even mentioning the severe lack of sleep!

With something other than bitterness however, Rz and I watched as our wedding slowly became something else.

It became my father's reunion dinner with his co-horts; we wanted a small dinner, my dad made it huge. Right until the night before, my father was still happily insistent on accepting RSVPS. The hotel was very, very helpful in accomodating all my father's last-minute demands. As a result of my father's zest (for wont of a better word), we had some VIPs and a few VVIPs attend our dinner that night. Along with his mightily overflowing guest list came all sorts of colourful personalities that reminded me very poignantly of the reason(s) why I no longer attend the same church as he does.

Our wedding also became my pastor's tribute to my parents and their own wedding. We wanted a simple blessing, my pastor made it a full-fledged service complete with worship leader. We know how blessed we are to have him marry us, and I know somewhere my mother is really, really happy. So the inconveniences that came about because of this arrangement Rz and I happily and gladly bore.

To my extended family though, our wedding was probably seen as a planning disaster. I love these people dearly but it was all I could do to exercise that love to keep silent when they complained about the waiting period and the things they said did hurt the most. I know some of my family think my organising skills are pretty depressing - but hey, I tried my best: did YOU have a father like mine (read below)? Well very honestly, I'm happy where I am right now and really, if it is so tough to be happy with me and for me, then it's okay too :)

For me, the actual wedding began on my last day of work, 11 June 2008. I left office with a heap of gifts and well-wishes from those in my company. I know I'll surely miss some of them tremendously, but I now know that I was never meant to waste my talents in a place like that, even though I owe them something for actually taking me in, in the first place.

Those few remaining days before the actual day were rather hectic. Between my dad and my pastor, month-old plans were completely re-drawn. Rehearsals were frantically scheduled. Amidst these logistical dilemmas, I recognised the significance of having all the players present. It was a small miracle to me. Everyone flew back from wherever just in time to be there for the rehearsal, for the wedding, for us. My dad flew back from London and Amsterdam, Tabs from Canada, Am wasn't in HCM, Jie back from Japan, THC back from church camp, R back from holiday. And of course, Phy amazingly found some time to get away from her own busy-ness.

I guess I am a very personalised bride, as reflects in my personality. Our wedding was not only paid for by ourselves, but very much put together by ourselves. Rz very sweetly put together a slideshow as a tribute for me, and I put together a wedding prayer in the form of a home-made video. The dinner programme itself was, in fact, manually printed and stuck together in the wee hours of Sunday morning, the very day of June 15th - very last minute but carefully laid out by yours truly, delayed because of the sudden disappearance of my grandmother and the frantic phonecalls from a distressed aunt.

My poor aunt was working herself up into a huge screaming and hyperventilating frenzy because she couldn't locate my grandmother, couldn't go to bed and couldn't relax. It was way past her bed-time and she was very cranky and taking it all out on her niece. I was worried for them both, worried for my aunt's own health, and encouraging my aunt to leave things to me, despite the fact that I was supposed to play the role of a blushing, blissful bride less than ten hours later. (I hope I was convincing enough!)

I don't recall much from that night, it was all quite a blur of trying to get my printer to work, trying to get my handphone to redial my grandmother's number continually and trying to calm my aunt down at the same time on my housephone. I can't even remember what time I finally got through, I think any later and my heart (and my aunt!) would have collasped.

Incredibly though, just when it really couldn't have gotten any worse for a bride-to-be, my father declared at 9am on Sunday morning that he had guests to entertain. And so instead of spending time with me in my last remaining maiden hours, he left me all alone at home to receive our family and the bridal entourage.

Half of them couldn't imagine why a father would choose to miss out on the arrival of his only daughter's groom, which is a huge event in traditional custom. The most ridiculous part of the whole thing was when he actually returned - just in time to be locked out with the groom and the groom's entourage (tradition entails that they be locked out until they pay a suitable 'toll' in the form of cash or in our case, pass some tests, before they are let into the house. Another set of tests awaited Rz before he could come to me in my room.)! Sigh. My father always does things the other way around.

One of the things I learnt through this wedding process is just how much some of these people mean to me. Not so much of what people gave us or didn't give us, but more of how close to my heart these people are and how much I treasure each of them in my life.

Something an ex-classmate from my secondary school days did to me on our wedding day also made it very clear to me that my priorities have changed. In the past, the me I know would have reached out and tried to help her even if I was sure it would be in vain.

Somehow my eyes are now open wider to the fact that I have other people I need to keep myself, my time, my energy, my youthfulness for. I have more important people to care for. Rz and dad top the list, and are followed pretty closely by my grandparents and two of my aunts, and the rest made up of people from my rather close-knit circle. Call it selfishness or whatever else, but I don't have enough of myself to spare others outside this circle and I would be unwise to try.

Anyway, I am honestly very happy though, with how the day itself came to be. I came to a lot of realisations and saw a number of things differently as a result of the entire process.

For example, despite all the nonsense that my dad created for us, he received a lot of the credit. "Wow, you are such an incredible father." "Wow, you have done a great job raising your daughter." "Wow, there cannot be a more devoted father than you."

In my utter astonishment, none of these - and I call them my-father-followers; people actually realised how ALONE growing up was for me, especially after mum died.

These same people clap my father on the back at every juncture of his career and personal life, so often that they fail time and again to realise how much my own person I am.

I am and have always been very independent. Not by my own doing, either, but by my parents' occupations and dedication to their own separate ministries.

Watching him absorb all this attention made me realise just how frail he is. He is human after all. The Christian life and friends are his entire world.

What a shock he must have felt when his daughter grew up with a mind of her own and vocally expressed her thoughts at any given chance. I am the biggest blow to my daddy's ego. But then, I believe God put me here. To anchor my father to what matters - his family. The same family he forgets when inviting all his friends to this big reunion dinner sponsored for by his daughter. The family he says he doesn't have time to spend Chinese New Year with. The family he knows he doesn't have a choice but to come back to.

I learnt a lot by standing next to my father at the end of the dinner, smiling and shaking the hands of so many strangers. I learnt a lot about me, a lot about him and a lot about my role in this family. I am not meaning this entry to sound ungrateful in any way - my father has his own ways of loving me.

Well, scrolling up, this is indeed a super long post and this is not even including half of every bewildering thing that befell us - and surely not the usual 'thank you' post people would expect from the bride. But then I'm not a typical bride. I don't have a typical wedding and I don't have a typical family. I can't imagine myself having a normal wedding and a normal family either, truth be told :P

But I should get to the thank-yous! Haha :P Or we'd be scrolling down forever..

First of all, Rz and I would like to give the largest portion of credit to the Lord. For staying us, for sustaining us, for strengthening us, for always being there to keep us attuned to what really matters. We firmly believe that this union and the amazing journey we've have been on since the time we met was authored by our Creator long before we can imagine and thus, all credit goes to Him.

Thank you mummy, I know you are very happy wherever you are :) Now that you can be assured that between dad and Rz, I'll finally be taken care of :)

The next thank-you goes out to ten amazing individuals (and their parents!!). You know who you are :) Thank you for blessing us with your irreplaceable presence in our lives, seeing all of you enjoy our day with us (at times, even more so than we did!) is something that made us both very happy. Thank you for allowing yourselves to be photographed, filmed, tormented and tired for our sakes - we count ourselves very fortunate and very blessed to have such friends as you. Hope to catch all of you soon!

Another big thank-you goes out to both our families. Thank you for all your comments, the good, the bad and the ugly. It is because of your comments that we have become who we are today, extremely mindful of each other and those around us.

A big thank-you to our Pastor, who has watched over my family from since my parents were youths. It must bring back a lot of fond memories to be a part of our wedding and I can tell you, it means a lot to my parents. We thank you for putting yourself under so much physical strain to deliver the perfect blessing. We can never repay you for your time with us.

A very special thank-you to friends of my father - thank you for keeping my father surrounded with so much love that he has trouble defining what loneliness is. Thank you for loving him so much that it makes loving you challenging for me. Thank you for all the memories, life for me would definitely be a lot less interesting without all of you :)

A very special shout-out to Aunty Susie, this distance between us will close very soon :)

To E, my precious girl, thank you for all your parcels :) I am still wishing you were here!!

To everyone who came, an apology for not being able to spend as much time as I liked with each of you - I hope to catch up with as many of you as I can :) Drop me and email or poke me to remind me (Debbie is growing forgetful)!

My final, forever thank-you goes out to Rz. Well, look what you've done! :P I am JUST so glad it is you. So glad. I know I can face anything with God and you on my side :)

--

Photos? Well, erm I have nearly 2GBs sitting on my external harddisk, and more to come. I don't think I'll be able to rush them out just yet as I only managed to stabilise my computer (somewhat). So please indulge me and stay tuned!


- 4 July 2008 11:27am -

花ざかりの君たちへ!

After months of trying to push myself harder and harder, I finally threw in the towel and resigned.

I am so drained mentally and I can barely find the physical energy to do anything more than the necessary everyday.

I don't find joy in my work and I am frustrated with colleagues who just keep dumping more and more work onto me without the permissions of my immediate or senior bosses. I am also sick and tired of being lectured for other people's mistakes.

All in all, I'm tired of being tired and sick of being sick. Everyday I get to deal with people with huge attitude problems. I find myself becoming more and more like someone I don't want to be. It's not like they are paying me properly too. And so it's sayonara.

I've already stopped being angry, bitter or upset. I just can't wait to get out of there.

My last days here at this firm will be spent covering for one colleague after another on top of my own duties but I am still determined to leave on a good note.


- 31 May 2008 10:42am -

Shiraz & Kimchi

Apart from being sick and making sense of office politicking, I don't really see any difference between April and May 2008. All I seem to be doing is to get myself feeling sicker and more exhausted.

As the big day draws ever closer, I find myself getting more and more skittish when people ask about preparations. I know everyone is excited and happy for good reason, but somehow it all equates to additional pressure. I know I'm blessed to have so many people want to be involved and I am indeed very, very thankful. But ask me to give a definite time and venue or where to stand, what to do, etc and I freak out because I haven't got a clue. And then later the same day I'll find that I get worried about not having a clue. And so on and so forth >____<

On all three family fronts, things have not been rosy healthwise. Which serves to explain further why I don't feel very celebratory or excited even though the actual day is so close. In fact there were several whole days I actually felt more like grieving.

Sigh. Growing up is so painful sometimes.

...

A number of random people have invaded my Flickr photostream the past two weeks.

They seemingly appear out of nowhere, fave up all my random photos from goodness-knows-when, sometimes I can even tell when a user has gone through ALL my 100+ pages (who knows how they find the time?!), leave comments like "Hey, you look cute, wanna be friends?" or "Hey your hammy looks like my hammy.. can I ask you a question" and then they add me, leaving me with a severely flooded Flickr inbox (288 mails at last login) and a moderately sour aftertaste.

Sure, I'm thankful my account has views and that people actually want to see my photos. But I feel a 'little' obsession can get a bit much.

After some random left me a comment something along the lines of "Hi, I used to have an Asian friend too.. If I get to see her again in this lifetime I'll die happy", I decided to deploy an 'energy saving device': I had a whole bunch of my photos restricted to friends and family only >___<

Blah.

...

Kimchi


Shiraz



- 8 May 2008 1:35am -

Speak My Language

It's been a long, long week. I can't even count the number of things that went wrong around me. There were simply too many.

The constant rushing is driving me crazy. I can't believe it is already April. Rz went home tonight and I was feeling a little out of whack - I just needed to go back to where I know I'd always be welcome and loved. So I found myself at R's. And I had another of those moments I just know I'll remember for my entire life.

R's mother and I have always had what observers would call a "communication problem": me and my kindergarten standard Mandarin and her even-her-English-is-slightly-better-than-my-Mandarin-English. But somehow there have been a couple of times when she's said something that hits me directly. Hits home. Hits the mark. Well, just hits me awake.

This time she said (in Mandarin of course):

"When I see you I see me. Struggling. Struggling alone. Alone all the time. Preparing for a wedding alone. Hunting for a house alone. Getting everything done alone. Working at the same time. Looking after a child alone. If you need me tell me I will be able to help you. Even if it is money don't be afraid to just ask."

In that moment I felt as though my heart was suspended in mid-air as my brain translated her words at kindergarten-speed. And then I felt something cave in inside. When she used the word 'alone', I just knew that she knew I KNEW exactly what she meant. She wasn't referring to me being without Rz. She was referring to not having a mother. Not having the love and warmth of a mother's shoulder to lean on.

Helplessly I find I don't have words for her. Not any she can make sense of, nor any that I may translate into my lousy Mandarin for aiding her understanding. This is the failure of language. Not communication. Language is a hindrance.

After our mini-moment I saw what she saw too - the parallels that exist in her life and mine. The idea itself is incredible, considering that after weeks upon weeks of being ostracised, made use of, gossiped about in the office by people who speak the SAME language, I find myself facing my own past, present and future in someone who cannot use the same words I can.

What I really was burning to say was this:

"I'll be okay, just as you are okay now. Just as God has made your life into something so beautiful, despite all the grief that you had to go through, He will make something beautiful out of mine too. There were so many times I knew you were looking out for R and I, watching over us and loving us and I thank you for everything. I feel bad asking you for anything if I can help it, because your love is already a huge deal to me."

But as usual, all I managed was a feeble, "Orh (Okay), don't worry, I'm okay.." ~____~" Argggghhh sometimes I think I am more like my father than I know.

Anyway (the bit about dad is besides the point) I am still very touched by what she said (and didn't say) and its been making me cry.

This amazing woman, who happens to be my bestest friend's mum, sees the past, the present and the future. She has cried, has grieved so many times over, and yet will always laugh and love. Here is someone whose life has had so many sorrows but yet she is far from being bitter and resentful. To me this comes as a breath of life after a long period of drowning in my own self doubt.

So perhaps I really have two best friends where I thought I only had one? Whatever it is, I know that I am blessed. Blessed to have amazing friends all over the place.




- 5 April 2008 3:25am -

Logical Thought Process

I am tired - being concerned about other people is so tiresome.

I am tired of being concerned. Other people can be so tiresome.

I am tired of being concerned about tiresome people.

I am tired of having tiresome people show me concern.

I am tired. Everything is so tiresome. I NEED a holiday.


- 14 March 2008 11:45pm -